As an Arab Middle Eastern woman, I do deal with some push back on rare occasion from men. And this is not limited to just men from my ethnicity by the way. For those who do know me, I am typically a pretty private person. But today I felt compelled to share this story with you all, especially with the women reading my blog with a similar culture. I sometimes like to share my life experiences to hopefully show that even though it’s not fun to deal with negative experiences, we don’t have to let it effect us either.
With men and women, there is always some “bad” apples in the bunch who harbor resentment towards the opposite sex. It is an unfortunate reality that is thrust upon us from time to time, we just don’t have to let it effect us.
A couple of months ago I went to a small party where I knew a majority of the people. Nowadays with age and experience, I have become more comfortable in my skin to be myself. I would say I am a woman of traditional and modern values mixed. This is reflected in how I conduct myself with others, especially men (given my culture). I don’t see an issue to partake in platonic conversations with men, we are all human. It is ok to bond with each other on the basis of oneness. I do however set boundaries to ensure there are no misunderstandings and to keep mutual respect in tact. It sets the tone for present and future interactions. And mind you, 99.99% of the time, I never had any issues with men in that regard. Whether they are quiet, shy, lively, or even playboys: All these men I have dealt with, majority of them have understood the boundary and have not made an advance on me.
With all this, I carried myself as I usually do at the party. Making light and deep conversations with the other attendees, making jokes, laughing, more laughing, and just overall being myself. I will tell you with 100% certainty, it is the most freeing feeling to be able to be yourself around people. Your heart and soul feel at ease.
Early into the party, an attendee I have known for a couple of years, pulled me aside to chat. I was my usual bubbly happy self when he accused me of being a “huge flirt” with all the men in the room. In a way he was reprimanding me, and I didn’t understand why. I thought this because he has the exact same personality as me, he makes jokes with everyone as I do. The only difference is I do not make sexual jokes, while he is more open to these types of jokes (given it is the norm in the Western world among some). It seemed very hypocritical of him to tell me I was in the wrong, when he was doing the exact same thing, and more. In the end I told him that is his opinion and just because he believed that, didn’t make it true. He obviously didn’t agree and we left it at that.
When I re-joined the other attendees, I couldn’t help but feel like my shine was dimmed, and asked myself maybe he was right? Maybe I should be that quiet girl again who doesn’t make any “disturbance.” As I was making my way back to my seat, a flood of thoughts were encompassing me. It was if my brain wanted to make me snap out of it and think logically and rationally, instead of emotionally. So I asked myself: Nadine, do men hit on you constantly with any and every interaction? I told myself no. Do you send mixed signals to men (such as touching them, being playful in a cute way, etc), and I told myself no. I then asked, Nadine, do your religious Muslim Arab men friends from Saudi Arabia consider your conduct to be inappropriate at all? And the answer was no (while most people have the perception that men from Saudi Arabia constrict women, I’ve met some of the most respectful and true gentlemen from that country). And after I said no to the last question I told myself:
“So why are you believing or caring what that man said to you! Do not let anyone dim your shine!”
And I decided at that moment I would not let that man or anyone dim my shine, that I was going to continue to be myself. That I was not doing anything wrong, and if anyone had a problem with it, it was their problem not mine. People are not dumb. They will know your intentions. A man will know point blank if you are flirting with him. Also, the people who care about you and know you will know your intentions. People who try to misrepresent you are only showing that they lack within and want to take your shine. Whether it is ego, jealousy, or pettiness that drives it, it is a reflection of who they are and not you. The people close to me know who I am, and most importantly, I know who I am.
With that said, there is still the “why?” Why is what I am writing here even a thing? When looking at my dynamic with others in a platonic way, I do realize there is parallels to the aura and presence of a charismatic businessman. He is confident, striking, and always has the perfect thing to say. So why is it when a woman embodies the same qualities, certain men put the woman down and label it, “flirting?” When you step back and analyze this sort of situation, it is beyond a men vs women issue. It stems from issues of ego, pride, pettiness, jealousy, and anger. Negative character traits that can engulf men or women. The only difference is that it presents itself in a different way when dealing with a man, or a woman. Typically from what I’ve seen, if a man is jealous towards women, he will find any excuse to put her down. And conversely, when a woman is resentful towards men, she will do anything to make him crumble to get what she wants. These are just a few examples of the manifestations of negativity from men and women.
Also I want to add to the fact it’s interesting I dealt with this situation while I am currently reading the book, The Magic of Thinking Big, by David J. Schwartz, PH.D. The timing is impeccable. And I will share this quote from the book and you will understand why:
“People who want figuratively to bite you, growl at you, pick on you, and otherwise chop you down are not rare. If you’re not prepared for people like that, they can punch big holes in your confidence and make you feel completely defeated.”
Page 63
With all that said, back to the story: So I ended up being myself that night, as I have continued to do. The other attendees were making jokes with me, and I was making jokes with them. We had a lot of laughs. It was therapeutic. And the thrilling conclusion you may ask? We all joked around with each other all night, and no one thought anyone was flirting. We were just humans bonding together while enjoying another night of this experience on Earth called life.
The moral of the story is to be yourself and know yourself. Always. As a woman, there will be times when you deal with men who will put you down. Just like there are women who purposefully put men down. There will always be people who will try to paint you in a negative light out of their own negative biases. That is their concern and not yours. In my younger days I would have been so flustered and scared that someone was making false statements about me, and then also possibly spreading this false accusation around. Now at 33 years of age, all I have to say is so what? People are going to say what they want to say. And whoever wants to believe gossip isn’t the person I want around me anyways. The most important thing is to just focus on the positives in life, and the people who have good intentions towards you will not make outlandish accusations to dim your shine. And I say this story to you all to tell you point blank: Do not let anyone shake your vigor. Be confident in yourself and the naysayers will be nothing but a speck of dust in your universe.
